Holidays can be a fun time to reach out and share time with special friends and family, don’t you think?
When holidays run according to how we hope or imagine, everything runs smoothly and we feel a lovely, shared sense of calm, fun and intimacy.
Yet, when things do not go as we hoped or imagined, we are often left confused, misunderstood, or looking for explanations to questions that may sound like:
‘Why did they say such mean things to me?’
‘Why did they act in such a thoughtless and rude way towards me.’
‘They are so sensitive… I meant it as a joke, for goodness sake!’
Sound familiar?
Let us try and make better sense of this kind of confusion and misunderstanding.
Here is a model of personality created by the founder of the Transactional Analysis school of psychotherapy, Eric Bern. It is known as the PAC Model. (Berne, E. 1961)
The model suggests that we have three main spheres or Ego States to our personality. These are the Parent, Adult and Child, and each ego state contains thoughts, feelings, and behavioural possibilities reflective of their names.
First, the Child Ego State.
The Child ego state contains all your memories of the ways in which you thought, felt, or behaved as a child when growing up. Some of your memories were positive and fun, others may not have been fun and may have been scary or sad.
Even so, when you are in your Child ego state you can dream up and imagine exciting new experiences for your life in the future; planning from our Child ego state is highly creative and exciting.
Equally, when you tap into your Child ego state in this very moment, you are more able to fully experience freedom, playfulness and that sense of excitement that leaves you feeling fulfilled. Is that something you would like to experience more of?
Next, the Parent Ego State.
The Parent ego state contains all the messages you received when growing up as a child and adolescent, all the ways you were told to think (or not think), to feel (or not feel) and to behave (or not behave).
These rules, expectations, conditions, and permissions were communicated to you by your parents, ‘parent’ figures and adults who were responsible for caring for you or teaching you about life; sometimes directly, and often indirectly with a certain look or a sigh of disappointment, or that tone of voice that said, something you did was not acceptable!
When you are in your Parent ego state you automatically access all these rules, expectations, conditions, and permissions. If they serve you, they can still come in very handy for planning and organising your future and for reacting to the present moment.
However, now you are an adult, it is important to check if they are still serving you today:
Have times changed, are they old-fashioned?
Could it be they hold you back from success or stop you from having intimacy in your life?
Could it be that what was good for one generation, may not be so useful today?
If so, you may want to update them based upon your own thinking, values, and beliefs?
This is where the Adult ego state come in to its own.
The Adult ego state is that part of your personality that experiences and makes sense of this present moment, the here-and-now of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
It is, in a sense, your command-and-control centre. The part of you responsible for integrating (Erskine (1988) the most useful aspects of our Child and Parent ego states together with your present Adult ego state needs, goals, and experiences.
This ‘Integrating’ aspect of our Adult ego state enables us to express ourselves more authentically. Eric Bern considered this the ultimate aim of Transactional Analysis, for each of us to be Authentic.
For Bern, Authentic means, you have greater Awareness, you are more Spontaneous, and you can experience a deeper sense of Intimacy by being yourself and when being with others.
So going back to our original dilemma after being left feeling confused, misunderstood, or looking for explanations to questions that sounded like:
‘Why did they say such mean things to me?’
Can you now think through and analyse these questions by applying the ‘lenses’ of the PAC Model?
Simply ask yourself:
Which ego state were you in?
Which ego state do you think the other person was in?
For example:
If the other person was in their Parent ego state when they said ‘…mean things…’ to you, was it because you were in your Child ego state?
Equally, were you in your Adult – while integrating some playful aspects of your Child ego state. However, the other persons Parent comments somehow ‘threw’ you from your Adult ego state into your Child ego state?
What do you suppose your response would have been if you were in your Adult ego state and you had remained in your Adult?
Would you have ‘brushed it off’?
Would you have asserted yourself in some way?
Would you having realised the other person was in their Parent ego state and asked them to see that you are being playful and to join you by entering their Child ego state too?
The above are examples of a few communication possibilities between people based upon the respective Ego State from which each person is responding. Eric Berne called these cause-and-effect responses Transactions. However, that is a big subject that I will leave for another time
I hope you have enjoyed this blog and found it useful. If you would like to enquire about having therapy with me, why not contact me today and book an online consultation free of charge.
© Jeremy White 2022
Jeremy White (MNCS Accred.)
U First Therapies
Tel: 07485015243
e-mail: ufirsttherapies@gmail.com
Web: https://ufirsttherapies.com/
Refs:
Berne, E (1961) Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. USA: Souvenir Press
Richard G. Erskine (1988) Ego Structure, Intrapsychic Function, and Defence Mechanisms: A Commentary on Eric Berne’s Original Theoretical Concepts, Transactional Analysis Journal, 18:1, 15-19, DOI: 10.1177/036215378801800104