What is the PAC Model, and what are Ego States?
Holidays are meant to be enjoyable, right?
They can be a lovely chance to spend time with friends and family, to relax, laugh, and feel close to one another. When things go as we hope, everything feels easy and calm.
But sometimes things don’t go that way. Conversations can feel awkward or hurtful, and we are left feeling confused or upset. We might find ourselves thinking:
- ‘Why did they say such mean things to me?’
- ‘Why did they act in such a thoughtless and rude way towards me?’
- ‘They are so sensitive… I meant it as a joke, for goodness sake’
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
To help make sense of moments like these, I’d like to share a simple idea from psychology.
Here is a model of personality created by the founder of the Transactional Analysis school of psychotherapy, Eric Berne. It is known as the PAC Model. (Berne, E. 1961)
Eric Berne suggested that we all move between three different “parts” of ourselves during everyday life.
These parts are called the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states.
They are not about age. They are about how we are thinking, feeling, and behaving in a moment.
The Child Ego State
This part of you holds your early experiences of being a child – how you felt, what you enjoyed, and how you reacted to the world. Some of these memories are happy and playful. Others may feel sad, scary, or confusing.
When you are in your Child ego state today, you may feel curious, imaginative, playful, or excited. This is the part of you that dreams, creates, and enjoys life.
It can also be the part that feels hurt, embarrassed, or overwhelmed.
When the Child ego state is supported and understood, it helps you feel more alive and connected.
The Parent Ego State
This part of you is made up of the messages you picked up while growing up. These include the rules, expectations, and ideas about how you “should” behave, feel, or think.
Some of these messages were spoken out loud. Others were communicated through looks, tone of voice, or silence.
When you are in your Parent ego state, you may find yourself correcting, judging, worrying, or telling yourself (or others) what is right or wrong.
Some of these messages can still be helpful. Others may no longer fit your life today. As an adult, you get to decide which ones to keep and which ones to update.
The Adult Ego State
The Adult ego state is the part of you that lives in the present moment. It notices what is happening right now and responds thoughtfully rather than automatically.
This part of you can take the best from both your Parent and Child ego states and use them in a balanced way.
When you are in your Adult ego state, you are more able to be calm, clear, and yourself. Eric Berne believed this was the goal of Transactional Analysis – to help people live with more awareness, freedom, and genuine connection with others.
So, let’s return to those confusing moments with other people.
When something feels hurtful or upsetting, it can help to pause and ask:
- Which part of me was responding – Parent, Adult, or Child?
• Which part of the other person might have been responding?
For example, if someone spoke harshly, were they reacting from their Parent ego state? Did that pull you into your Child ego state?
What might have been different if you had stayed in your Adult ego state?
These small reflections can help you respond with more choice, rather than reacting automatically.
I hope you found this helpful and easy to follow.
If you are curious about therapy or would like support exploring these ideas further, you are welcome to get in touch and book a free online consultation.
© Jeremy White 2022
Jeremy White (MNCS Accred.)
U First Therapies
References:
Berne, E (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. USA: Souvenir Press
Richard G. Erskine (1988) Ego Structure, Intrapsychic Function, and Defence Mechanisms: A Commentary on Eric Berne’s Original Theoretical Concepts, Transactional Analysis Journal, 18:1, 15-19, DOI: 10.1177/036215378801800104
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